Just thinking

All my life I have felt really isolated from the people around me, in the way that I don't belong.
The people that surround me are people I'd prefer not surround myself with.  But when I find someone like myself, because they are so much like me, we don't hold on to eachother and so it seems the isolation is our own faults.

I used to have this reoccurring dream where everyone around me is in a skeletal form, everyone is in a skeletal form except myself, I remain in my body with my own identity seeming apparent. However everyone else just looks the same. All just skeletons.  I can't really remember the details of this dream just the main scenario. I never really looked much into it as I remember the dreams used to have rather humorous outcomes (I can't remember specifically) and so I thought there couldn't possibly be some sort of interesting interpretation!
But now that I think on the topic of isolation and never fitting in, these dreams confirm my feelings of loneliness, they are a perfect visualisation of how I felt, how I still sometimes feel.
Thinking back however, I think that maybe it symbolises the fact that nobody is their own person, nobody is different. Our identities are pointless if we're all the same. I never wanted to be the same as everyone. I always wanted to be different, not for the sake of attention or anything I think it was more a fear of becoming like everyone else. So it's not so much isolation of myself through not being able to fit in but more the fact that in order to fit in one must become the same as every skeleton, and lose your identity.  Why is everyone so similar? Or at least why do they deny their identities to fit in to the social norm.

Idk.
Thinking a bit!

Just another post.

Self reflection: what a pathetic woman.

I suspended myself from university due to medical circumstances this week. I can resit the entire year next year. I wish I could guarantee myself that I'd pass this year but being realistic I fucked up my chances at the end of last term. I'm really pissed at myself in all honesty. I feel pathetic. I feel like a disappointment, I feel stupid, but I guess, this is the best option for me.

I had considered just applying for extended deadlines but that wouldn't make a great enough difference. In order to resit next year I have to at least pass 3/6 of my modules or I can simply suspend my position now, sort myself out and come back in September and do it all over again, without the hassle of exams now. Hopefully I won't be repeating my mistakes next year.

I feel really shitty because of the friends that have helped me throughout this year. I hope they realise that their help is no less appreciated than it was previously.

I guess even though I'm pissed off with the decision I have to make, I'm glad there is an option and at least now I can take the time to sort out my head, organise myself, save some money and sort out a plan of action for when I start back at uni.

I need to get one of those sausage dog door draft stopper things. My living room is a bit too chilly right now and I believe this is why.

Anyway.
Sorry it wasn't a very interesting post.

Night x

Durr.... I can babble!

It's strange when you suddenly decide to reflect on life so far.
So much has changed, I've known and forgotten so many people! I've grown as a person; you don't realise how much you've grown until you think back, that's for sure! But yet in this period of many changes, life is just as boring. It's the same old shit. If I had the money I'd travel the world but this is poverty ridden South Wales lol nobody has the money!
I have a house to run, bills to pay, I have travel to pay for uni. Everything is expensive. My fault for deciding to move. I don't regret moving though. I feel like I've gained more clarity having moved. I also enjoy the fact that I have my own place and it's all mine! Plus I love my kittens!

Recently I've been in somewhat a complicated friendship with someone. It was fucking awesome but still a little strange. I feel as if I should regret it but I don't, I feel as if it has brought us so much closer. I don't see many people as actual friends, but I know I'll never purposely turn my back on this person.

That friendship has returned to normality now though haha but still we had fun while it lasted!

I also met someone who is completely unlike what I usually go for and I really like him. This is strange because I feel I haven't truly liked a new person in years! I kinda gain a fondness for people after a while of being around them.

I don't know, I'll just wait and see how things go!

I don't know

I hate making decisions. With every aspect of life I'm so fucking lazy, tis counterproductive to say the least. My fault though. Nobody else's. I need to start learning from my mistakes. It'll come eventually I'm sure.

I keep breaking down in work. I'm having trouble coping with emotional stress. The Dr upped my happy pills. I feel no different though. Fucking placebos man. Haha.

Could use a hug.

Anyway I'm going to go see what the cards think and go to bed. Night X

Change in circumstances resulted in more important change of circumstances.

I'm glad it ended the way it did,
In some ways I feel it ended in the best way possible.
Thanks for giving me something to remember and grow on.

Life is never truly dull when you look at the bigger picture!

I'm feeling positive.

Choice

I've never been good at making decisions, as decisions often lead to consequence. So I tend to just go with the flow mostly, or do whatever is easiest. 

However i made an important decision today. I'd prefer not change anything but I realise I have to for my own mental wellbeing.

Such a hard decision.

I'm left feeling crushed and black and blue all over and I'm doing it to myself. It's nobody else's fault, just mine.

I want help but nobody is there

Hmm

Today it has been near impossible to distinguish between my emotions. I have been both up and down at the same time. Right now I simply feel numb. A little bit lonely aswell but that is to be expected now that I'm living alone! Just wish I could make sense of my head. I don't want to do anything but at the same time I want to get everything done. Where am I? Why am I struggling to cope with my own mind right now?

I wish someone was here to help me. But nobody seems to want to know when it comes down to how I'm actually feeling. It's all about the other person when I see someone and when they ask about me I lie because I can tell it'd make them uncomfortable if I said what was really on my mind. Nowadays people either just want to be around me because I'm in their wank bank and they are trying to seek out a rub or they just want to vent to me and ask me for my advice. Of course I don't mind helping people out and I don't mind giving advice and i sure as hell dont mind people thinking of me as attractive but I guess sometimes it'd be nice to actually sit down with someone and talk about what goes on in my mind. Not your everyday problem in which you can seek advice. Just be able to say at least half the things I write and have someone there to listen and even give me some input. I'm not saying I just want to vent about myself, but more I'd like to be on a relative level of conversation with someone and not feel as if I'm making them uncomfortable.

1/3 of problems

I hate that I don't have the words to make someone happy. Quite a few of the people I know suffer from depression, including myself. It's a fairly common illness after all. However I feel awful because I know as a sufferer that there is nothing anyone can say when you're feeling at your shittiest that will make you feel better. You just have to push yourself through it. This really sucks when it comes to others because even though I can relate with what they're dealing with I can't really help them and since when does it help a person when you say, 'I know what you're going through' anyway! Yes I can be there for them but that's as far as it goes.

I guess I can only try to help. At least they should know that I'm here for them all. I wouldn't leave anyone cope with things alone, even if I severely disliked the person. Sometimes it helps if you know there's someone you can turn to!

Just my current thought process.

Thanks for taking the time to read this if anyone has!

What is happening right now

It's a very jumbled life! But it is ever so slowly coming together!

I'm moving out soon, finally found a house! I get the keys on Thursday so I'm going to go straight down to the house and start painting over the atrocious red walls! Hopefully it won't take too long, but I guess I need to be realistic, it's red! Bright red isn't going to be easy to cover!
Hopefully once the walls are sorted I'll arrange to get my furniture all moved in! Then onwards to maintaining my budget! Have to sort out my cheapest possible options for gas and electric etc!

As well as my house, I have planned various things for the next few months. Cardiff castle, going to see Wicked in London, doing the race for life down Cardiff this year to raise money for cancer research! And finally... going to Amsterdam in May with my lovely friend, Lauren! Really excited for Amsterdam! Will be Visiting various places there, red light district of course, the Van Gogh museum, the cat museum (yeah that's right! A museum devoted entirely to cats!) The Anne Frank house! And of course the erotica museum!

Lastly, I'm in the midst of actually trying to get my life together, this week has been the first week In ages where I've actually turned up for all my scheduled shifts! Next week I shall continue my life improvements by also attending uni everyday, as well as work! I am in desperate need of getting some sort of routine going! I will succeed this time!

Of course none of this stuff has had any noticeable positive effects on my mental health, actually I'd say I'm worse now than I have been in ages but I guess I'm reaching that point where I realise I can't go on living like this, letting my depression swallow me up constantly. It was taking over my life but I'm trying to gain control now! It would be easier if I could get through to one particular person mind but I guess you can't rely on anyone in life! So I should stop being so clingy and get on with things!

Anyway sorry for babbling!

Thanks for reading if anyone did!

And henceforth bye!

Passed my theory

I passed my driving theory today. Which I'm happy about. Sad that I can't share this with one person though.

I passed with 46/50 In my theory and I passed 6 of my hazard perceptions with full marks. I'm proud of myself considering my severe lack of revision.

It seems all enjoyment in life is numbed at the moment though. I should be happier than this. What the hell is wrong with me?

Forgive me.

In a state of emotional disvalue right now.
It's difficult to eat.
Difficult to sleep.
Difficult to breath.
I feel sick to my stomach.
I just need some relief.
Need to be held.
Need to find peace.

My heart is aching,
My head is hurting,
Everything feels cold.
What have I done?
Why did I do it?
I wish I knew so I could explain it to you.
Not that you'd listen.

Please forgive me.
Please stay close.
I can't face losing you again.

Why does this hurt so much.
Please save me this pain.
I plead for forgiveness,
Only to be ignored.

Please.
Save me.
I beg of you.

Decisions

Everyday I'm faced with a new decision.
See my close friend doesn't believe in decisions. He believes that what's going to happen is basically already decided. That even though you will make, so called, 'decisions'. You won't. There is no decision. At the end of the day it's all atoms. It's just many different sequences, many different seemingly random arrangements. Pi. And those atoms are built up so specifically there's no room for you to make a choice, there's no such thing as free will. There's only specific atoms and their arrangements.

I actually disagree with him. I'm faced with so many decisions recently, I'm unsure where to turn. Relationships are muddled, plans are falling apart, life has be disrupted, routine has no meaning.

I guess I just realise now there is no point to any of this, I'm living for no reason other than to experience shit that doesn't matter anyway because you will fade away, your memories lost, others memories of you will fade and what does it matter!? Unless you're going to conquer something great, but still at the end of all that you will end up being forgotten as time goes on.

:/

No matter what happens I will always feel this way for you. Since the first breathless kiss all I have felt is love. I hate it, I don't want to love you. I wish I could control it but I can't. There's nothing I can do, but please hold me tight for as long as you can. Please when you do go, don't forget me.

How can I love such an imperfect person so perfectly? I wish I knew. All I know is that you are everything I desire and more, in my mind you are perfection, we're spiritually interlinked, we're mentally connected, we're physically made for each other, the only problem is you'll never feel the same.

It's like we're two pieces of a puzzle but your piece is slightly burnt, yes we fit together as we are meant to, but those scars will always be there. The picture within the puzzle will never be completely visible.

I'm really hurting my love, but it is worth it. I have never and will never feel for anyone the same way as I feel for you.

Thank you for making me feel alive.

Plans

Things are working out.

I have set myself the goal of going 30 days without missing uni or work. It is proving difficult seeming as I've been late for uni 2 out of 3 days.... but I turned up and I studied and I'm proud of myself for making it out of the house!

I'm viewing 2 houses after uni today, which I'm quite excited for as I believe that getting my own place will be a great step up for me. I'm excited to have that independence, however having this independence will mean I have to start sorting myself out, I have to get my head out of my arse, work as hard as I can and be the best I can be.

I did miss a lot of work before New year, which was a very silly thing for me to do as I need all the money I can get! So that's something that I need to sort, and I will, I'm feeling determined! :)

Not that I believe in this new year billshit, but I actually think 2015 will be my year!

Shan x