I've never been good at making decisions, as decisions often lead to consequence. So I tend to just go with the flow mostly, or do whatever is easiest.
However i made an important decision today. I'd prefer not change anything but I realise I have to for my own mental wellbeing.
Such a hard decision.
I'm left feeling crushed and black and blue all over and I'm doing it to myself. It's nobody else's fault, just mine.
Today it has been near impossible to distinguish between my emotions. I have been both up and down at the same time. Right now I simply feel numb. A little bit lonely aswell but that is to be expected now that I'm living alone! Just wish I could make sense of my head. I don't want to do anything but at the same time I want to get everything done. Where am I? Why am I struggling to cope with my own mind right now?
I wish someone was here to help me. But nobody seems to want to know when it comes down to how I'm actually feeling. It's all about the other person when I see someone and when they ask about me I lie because I can tell it'd make them uncomfortable if I said what was really on my mind. Nowadays people either just want to be around me because I'm in their wank bank and they are trying to seek out a rub or they just want to vent to me and ask me for my advice. Of course I don't mind helping people out and I don't mind giving advice and i sure as hell dont mind people thinking of me as attractive but I guess sometimes it'd be nice to actually sit down with someone and talk about what goes on in my mind. Not your everyday problem in which you can seek advice. Just be able to say at least half the things I write and have someone there to listen and even give me some input. I'm not saying I just want to vent about myself, but more I'd like to be on a relative level of conversation with someone and not feel as if I'm making them uncomfortable.
I hate that I don't have the words to make someone happy. Quite a few of the people I know suffer from depression, including myself. It's a fairly common illness after all. However I feel awful because I know as a sufferer that there is nothing anyone can say when you're feeling at your shittiest that will make you feel better. You just have to push yourself through it. This really sucks when it comes to others because even though I can relate with what they're dealing with I can't really help them and since when does it help a person when you say, 'I know what you're going through' anyway! Yes I can be there for them but that's as far as it goes.
I guess I can only try to help. At least they should know that I'm here for them all. I wouldn't leave anyone cope with things alone, even if I severely disliked the person. Sometimes it helps if you know there's someone you can turn to!
Just my current thought process.
Thanks for taking the time to read this if anyone has!
It's a very jumbled life! But it is ever so slowly coming together!
I'm moving out soon, finally found a house! I get the keys on Thursday so I'm going to go straight down to the house and start painting over the atrocious red walls! Hopefully it won't take too long, but I guess I need to be realistic, it's red! Bright red isn't going to be easy to cover!
Hopefully once the walls are sorted I'll arrange to get my furniture all moved in! Then onwards to maintaining my budget! Have to sort out my cheapest possible options for gas and electric etc!
As well as my house, I have planned various things for the next few months. Cardiff castle, going to see Wicked in London, doing the race for life down Cardiff this year to raise money for cancer research! And finally... going to Amsterdam in May with my lovely friend, Lauren! Really excited for Amsterdam! Will be Visiting various places there, red light district of course, the Van Gogh museum, the cat museum (yeah that's right! A museum devoted entirely to cats!) The Anne Frank house! And of course the erotica museum!
Lastly, I'm in the midst of actually trying to get my life together, this week has been the first week In ages where I've actually turned up for all my scheduled shifts! Next week I shall continue my life improvements by also attending uni everyday, as well as work! I am in desperate need of getting some sort of routine going! I will succeed this time!
Of course none of this stuff has had any noticeable positive effects on my mental health, actually I'd say I'm worse now than I have been in ages but I guess I'm reaching that point where I realise I can't go on living like this, letting my depression swallow me up constantly. It was taking over my life but I'm trying to gain control now! It would be easier if I could get through to one particular person mind but I guess you can't rely on anyone in life! So I should stop being so clingy and get on with things!
Anyway sorry for babbling!
Thanks for reading if anyone did!
And henceforth bye!
