I passed my driving theory today. Which I'm happy about. Sad that I can't share this with one person though.
I passed with 46/50 In my theory and I passed 6 of my hazard perceptions with full marks. I'm proud of myself considering my severe lack of revision.
It seems all enjoyment in life is numbed at the moment though. I should be happier than this. What the hell is wrong with me?
In a state of emotional disvalue right now.
It's difficult to eat.
Difficult to sleep.
Difficult to breath.
I feel sick to my stomach.
I just need some relief.
Need to be held.
Need to find peace.
My heart is aching,
My head is hurting,
Everything feels cold.
What have I done?
Why did I do it?
I wish I knew so I could explain it to you.
Not that you'd listen.
Please forgive me.
Please stay close.
I can't face losing you again.
Why does this hurt so much.
Please save me this pain.
I plead for forgiveness,
Only to be ignored.
Please.
Save me.
I beg of you.
Everyday I'm faced with a new decision.
See my close friend doesn't believe in decisions. He believes that what's going to happen is basically already decided. That even though you will make, so called, 'decisions'. You won't. There is no decision. At the end of the day it's all atoms. It's just many different sequences, many different seemingly random arrangements. Pi. And those atoms are built up so specifically there's no room for you to make a choice, there's no such thing as free will. There's only specific atoms and their arrangements.
I actually disagree with him. I'm faced with so many decisions recently, I'm unsure where to turn. Relationships are muddled, plans are falling apart, life has be disrupted, routine has no meaning.
I guess I just realise now there is no point to any of this, I'm living for no reason other than to experience shit that doesn't matter anyway because you will fade away, your memories lost, others memories of you will fade and what does it matter!? Unless you're going to conquer something great, but still at the end of all that you will end up being forgotten as time goes on.
No matter what happens I will always feel this way for you. Since the first breathless kiss all I have felt is love. I hate it, I don't want to love you. I wish I could control it but I can't. There's nothing I can do, but please hold me tight for as long as you can. Please when you do go, don't forget me.
How can I love such an imperfect person so perfectly? I wish I knew. All I know is that you are everything I desire and more, in my mind you are perfection, we're spiritually interlinked, we're mentally connected, we're physically made for each other, the only problem is you'll never feel the same.
It's like we're two pieces of a puzzle but your piece is slightly burnt, yes we fit together as we are meant to, but those scars will always be there. The picture within the puzzle will never be completely visible.
I'm really hurting my love, but it is worth it. I have never and will never feel for anyone the same way as I feel for you.
Thank you for making me feel alive.
Things are working out.
I have set myself the goal of going 30 days without missing uni or work. It is proving difficult seeming as I've been late for uni 2 out of 3 days.... but I turned up and I studied and I'm proud of myself for making it out of the house!
I'm viewing 2 houses after uni today, which I'm quite excited for as I believe that getting my own place will be a great step up for me. I'm excited to have that independence, however having this independence will mean I have to start sorting myself out, I have to get my head out of my arse, work as hard as I can and be the best I can be.
I did miss a lot of work before New year, which was a very silly thing for me to do as I need all the money I can get! So that's something that I need to sort, and I will, I'm feeling determined! :)
Not that I believe in this new year billshit, but I actually think 2015 will be my year!
Shan x
