Just thinking

All my life I have felt really isolated from the people around me, in the way that I don't belong.
The people that surround me are people I'd prefer not surround myself with.  But when I find someone like myself, because they are so much like me, we don't hold on to eachother and so it seems the isolation is our own faults.

I used to have this reoccurring dream where everyone around me is in a skeletal form, everyone is in a skeletal form except myself, I remain in my body with my own identity seeming apparent. However everyone else just looks the same. All just skeletons.  I can't really remember the details of this dream just the main scenario. I never really looked much into it as I remember the dreams used to have rather humorous outcomes (I can't remember specifically) and so I thought there couldn't possibly be some sort of interesting interpretation!
But now that I think on the topic of isolation and never fitting in, these dreams confirm my feelings of loneliness, they are a perfect visualisation of how I felt, how I still sometimes feel.
Thinking back however, I think that maybe it symbolises the fact that nobody is their own person, nobody is different. Our identities are pointless if we're all the same. I never wanted to be the same as everyone. I always wanted to be different, not for the sake of attention or anything I think it was more a fear of becoming like everyone else. So it's not so much isolation of myself through not being able to fit in but more the fact that in order to fit in one must become the same as every skeleton, and lose your identity.  Why is everyone so similar? Or at least why do they deny their identities to fit in to the social norm.

Idk.
Thinking a bit!

Just another post.

Self reflection: what a pathetic woman.

I suspended myself from university due to medical circumstances this week. I can resit the entire year next year. I wish I could guarantee myself that I'd pass this year but being realistic I fucked up my chances at the end of last term. I'm really pissed at myself in all honesty. I feel pathetic. I feel like a disappointment, I feel stupid, but I guess, this is the best option for me.

I had considered just applying for extended deadlines but that wouldn't make a great enough difference. In order to resit next year I have to at least pass 3/6 of my modules or I can simply suspend my position now, sort myself out and come back in September and do it all over again, without the hassle of exams now. Hopefully I won't be repeating my mistakes next year.

I feel really shitty because of the friends that have helped me throughout this year. I hope they realise that their help is no less appreciated than it was previously.

I guess even though I'm pissed off with the decision I have to make, I'm glad there is an option and at least now I can take the time to sort out my head, organise myself, save some money and sort out a plan of action for when I start back at uni.

I need to get one of those sausage dog door draft stopper things. My living room is a bit too chilly right now and I believe this is why.

Anyway.
Sorry it wasn't a very interesting post.

Night x

Durr.... I can babble!

It's strange when you suddenly decide to reflect on life so far.
So much has changed, I've known and forgotten so many people! I've grown as a person; you don't realise how much you've grown until you think back, that's for sure! But yet in this period of many changes, life is just as boring. It's the same old shit. If I had the money I'd travel the world but this is poverty ridden South Wales lol nobody has the money!
I have a house to run, bills to pay, I have travel to pay for uni. Everything is expensive. My fault for deciding to move. I don't regret moving though. I feel like I've gained more clarity having moved. I also enjoy the fact that I have my own place and it's all mine! Plus I love my kittens!

Recently I've been in somewhat a complicated friendship with someone. It was fucking awesome but still a little strange. I feel as if I should regret it but I don't, I feel as if it has brought us so much closer. I don't see many people as actual friends, but I know I'll never purposely turn my back on this person.

That friendship has returned to normality now though haha but still we had fun while it lasted!

I also met someone who is completely unlike what I usually go for and I really like him. This is strange because I feel I haven't truly liked a new person in years! I kinda gain a fondness for people after a while of being around them.

I don't know, I'll just wait and see how things go!

I don't know

I hate making decisions. With every aspect of life I'm so fucking lazy, tis counterproductive to say the least. My fault though. Nobody else's. I need to start learning from my mistakes. It'll come eventually I'm sure.

I keep breaking down in work. I'm having trouble coping with emotional stress. The Dr upped my happy pills. I feel no different though. Fucking placebos man. Haha.

Could use a hug.

Anyway I'm going to go see what the cards think and go to bed. Night X

Change in circumstances resulted in more important change of circumstances.

I'm glad it ended the way it did,
In some ways I feel it ended in the best way possible.
Thanks for giving me something to remember and grow on.

Life is never truly dull when you look at the bigger picture!

I'm feeling positive.

Choice

I've never been good at making decisions, as decisions often lead to consequence. So I tend to just go with the flow mostly, or do whatever is easiest. 

However i made an important decision today. I'd prefer not change anything but I realise I have to for my own mental wellbeing.

Such a hard decision.

I'm left feeling crushed and black and blue all over and I'm doing it to myself. It's nobody else's fault, just mine.

I want help but nobody is there