Content

I'm in a very comfortable place.

I am moving out on my own soon, with the cats aswell of course. I'm actually very excited. I seem to have a strange hunger for independence. I've budgeted up all my bills etc on a spreadsheet. It's all looking good however I can't go missing work at all. It's a tight bracket but a possible bracket.

I need to get into a routine when uni starts back. I want to be the best I can be, and I know I'm capable of much more! I've just got to keep thinking that way! I bring myself down and that's when things mess up!

It may be a bit soon after a break up, but i recently got into a relationship with a person I had a thing with 3 years ago. This time it's working out much better than previously, but we'll see, for now I'm just gonna enjoy the present.

Shannon x

Overcoming despair!

Today has been a good day.

Mania can be so very sweet at times.

I went to the Dr's this morning, sorted some stuff out!
Feeling like I took a step in the right direction.

I plan to go into work tomorrow as well. Bare in mind I've felt too weak to go in the past few weeks... But no, tomorrow I will face the world.
I need to stay positive, I can't go on like this! I can't risk my future! So I'm finally going to get my head out of my arse and sort myself out!

So yeah...

Have a good Christmas if anyone read this!

Shannon x

Hmm

I'm trying to sort myself out.

It's not going great but I'm trying.

Everything was painted with oil and water paints this morning. Nothing worked. As what generally happens when you try to mix oil with water.

I need to get better though. It's not fair on my family or friends to see me this way.
Just wish it was easier, because christ, it's not bloody easy. It's like trying to climb out of a glass cylinder. Ever try to get your grip on glass? Not fucking possible.

Ah well.
We'll see...

Shannon x

Again.

Depression hit me really hard today.

I really don't feel good
I feel really heavy,
I'm in tears, I've sunk into this black hole again.
Very few words come to mind.

People. Strangers.

I often think to myself, about the people I've met throughout life.
I wish I could see them all now, see where they are, see if much has changed.
I often feel terrified when I think of these people because they've probably completely forgotten about me.
As an example, there's a teacher I had in Primary school, he was a great man, was a fantastic teacher and he retired while I was in year 5. Even though he only appeared in my life just briefly, that man has probably affected my life decisions, I'm not saying I thought of him while I was making such decisions, but he definitely influenced my decisions as he was part of my upbringing. I'd love to just bump into him and have a chat. Let him know that I'm now in uni studying maths, let him know that it's highly possible that if I had a different teacher then I could be a completely different person now. It's just something that seems completely irrelevant and minuscule, yet looking at the bigger picture, things could be completely different now!
It'a not just the people that i think have influenced my life that much, but people I've helped out when I was younger, I'm interested to hear how things have worked out for them!
But yet even though I think like this I often do see people that used to be a part of my life, I make eye contact, I smile, they look at me as if they've never seen me before. That's upsetting, they just don't bat an eyelid. I'm nothing to them, not even a memory. I'm just like any other stranger they pass on the street. It actually really saddens me.

Thanks if anyone took the time to read this.

Shannon x

Life illusion

What if this is all an illusion
What if I'm actually sat in a mental asylum, just sat in the corner rocking back and forth, stuck in my own little reality, where everyone isn't actually who they actually are?

What if I'm in a mental asylum, repeating my life before I got put in the mental asylum, In my head? This saying that I'll never actually know the truth, until I die.

What if I'm just a figment of someone else's imagination? What if I don't even exist and somebody else is just playing through my life in their head, as their own reality would be too messed up to think of, so they created a different character?

What if....?

Serpent

My eyes are open, yet I cannot see
Everything is clouded over
My sight is cloudy,
It's all misted over, portraying my mind
In front of me it's hazy, but I'm not blind

I don't know what to expect,
From the python that flows around my mind, biting at the wires, causing some to intertwine

Yes that's all this is,
Something is destroying me,
It's all out of my control,
This is depravity

All of a sudden I'm okay to do what I know is wrong,
I'm not bothered,
I haven't any morals,
Although this shouldn't last long

This serpent from within has broken the ties
I no longer know wrong from right,
Or do I?
Maybe I just don't care.
Maybe everything I do is justifiable,
I'd like to claim that I'm unaware,
But I'm really not
This is all a lie

After the damage is done,
The python returns,
It weaves itself, it fixes the wires,
My vision gets hazy again,
But I want it that way,
It's my last stretch of humanity
I know so long as I can't see,
Everyone is okay,
They're safe from me.

This is what happens when I lose my sight
It's not something I can simply solve with a lense,
It's not something I can easily fight,
It's just the way reality bends,
When this souleating serpent, engulfs the light.

Christmas confusion

Christmas is a weird thing. We get up some point in December (some earlier) and we decide, oh let's decorate a tree because a day for people to give and receive presents is upon us!

We race around from September onwards buying presents for a load of people, half of which we probably don't even like!
Then the closer Christmas gets to us we begin to become increasingly false! Not only did we buy things for people we don't like but we now appear to like them!

Humans, what the hell are we doing?

Of course I actually quite like the giving thing on Christmas, it's nice when you've put a lot of thought into a present and when you give it to them and they genuinely like it, it makes me feel good to make others smile!

But I do think the world would be a better place if throughout the year we could simply buy something for a person you thought of for no reason other than to make them happy! Not wait til the end of the year when people are all expecting something and you don't know where you stand with people cus they're being really false!

'Awwh lovely perfume aunt _____, was really thoughtful but I was pretty convinced you didn't like me!'
How confusing!

Haha

Shannon x

Lust

I think I'm falling in love with you.
But I'd rather fall in lust,

Give me pleasure, without the pain,
Give me closeness, without the trust,
Give me breathtaking, without the beauty,
Give me enjoyment without wasting time!
Give me everything you've got,
Without having to make you mine.

Feel the vital kiss,
With a mouth as smooth as oil,
Feel your body ripple,
With a pleasure that shall not spoil,
Feel the intense nature,
Through a single glance of skin,
Feel your whole mind fill with intensity,
As lust slowly enters in.

Let the animal devour you,
As your want becomes your need,
Let it destroy the morals inside you,
Until you're let loose and you're freed,
Of every tie you've ever been given,
Of everything you've known as wrong,
Now there's a point of living,
If you would just play along.

...still won't you just stay a while?
Can we just stay real close?
Talk to me, it makes me smile,
I like you more than most,
I do adore the pleasure,
But what follows, unthought of, is pain,
As I realise through this awful scene,
That you'll never be mine to gain.

If to 'thine own self be true ',
was the truest quote ever said,
Then you can forget the lust,
Just give me true love instead.

Thoughts.

Head. Confused. Stressed. Lost.
Cloudy. Broken. Dazed.

What am I to do? I need help. I need support. I can't rely on others though.
Why would I?
People ruin everything.

People can take the truth and mould it. They may not even mean to, they just accidentally end up moulding it. What a mess.

People don't understand. It's why I'm afraid. Afraid to leave, afraid to confront.
But that fear is outweighed.
I'm also afraid to lose people. I can't trust anyone, but that doesn't stop me getting attached. No, if only it did.

I'm lost.

Help me.

Mistakes

Question.
What does it mean to forgive someone?
What does it mean to betray someone?
How can you forgive someone if you can't first forgive yourself?
How can we move away from our mistakes!?

Mistakes... we're human! We make them!
We're the authors of our own stories! However we can't simply write the whole story out and expect no mistakes! It doesn't help that we may write in pen! You can't simply erase mistakes anyway! You can only put a line through them and move on, trying not to repeat them.

Just some of my recent thoughts.

Shannon x

The fear of reality of going completely insane

I feel like my hues are muted,
Like I'm coloured outside the line.
I feel like my mind is polluted,
Like gray flowing down my spine.

Don't get the wrong impression,
I am not caught in a deep hole,
This is not black depression,
It's a dampening of my soul.

The blues of my skies are pink,
And the yellows of my sand is green,
My brain is too dull to think,
The slate is totally clean.

My palette just has shades of gray,
Nothing too dark or exciting,
The doctor wants it that way.

Don't get me started on writing,
The words just won't come to me,
For each letter, I am fighting,
So I can help you see,
How I want to flirt with insanity.

I crave the bright white,
And I do not fear depravity,
I will be high as a kite!
In a wondrous thunderstorm,
With rainbows and lightning!

The white will keep me warm,
While everything is frightening!
But mania stings like a bee,
And once it dies it unlocks
And sets the depression free
From out of pandoras box
Flows the reaper,
He drags me in deeper!

Do you want to hurt yourself?
Mark an x in the box...
Do you want to kill yourself?
No I won't stop my clock!
Love and curiosity keep me around!
What will be? How will they react?

Bring me back to the ground...
But oh this is all hypothetical...
I wouldn't do this another time,
It's just all theoretical.

I'm joking, I make big talk,
I'm terrified too much!
With this illness I won't walk
Without my crutch.
This little white pill,
Which makes life ordinary.

But I'll hold onto this fantasy still,
Of the extreme extraordinary!
But I won't let it tempt me,
Because of the fear of reality,
Of going completely insane.