Content

I'm in a very comfortable place.

I am moving out on my own soon, with the cats aswell of course. I'm actually very excited. I seem to have a strange hunger for independence. I've budgeted up all my bills etc on a spreadsheet. It's all looking good however I can't go missing work at all. It's a tight bracket but a possible bracket.

I need to get into a routine when uni starts back. I want to be the best I can be, and I know I'm capable of much more! I've just got to keep thinking that way! I bring myself down and that's when things mess up!

It may be a bit soon after a break up, but i recently got into a relationship with a person I had a thing with 3 years ago. This time it's working out much better than previously, but we'll see, for now I'm just gonna enjoy the present.

Shannon x

Overcoming despair!

Today has been a good day.

Mania can be so very sweet at times.

I went to the Dr's this morning, sorted some stuff out!
Feeling like I took a step in the right direction.

I plan to go into work tomorrow as well. Bare in mind I've felt too weak to go in the past few weeks... But no, tomorrow I will face the world.
I need to stay positive, I can't go on like this! I can't risk my future! So I'm finally going to get my head out of my arse and sort myself out!

So yeah...

Have a good Christmas if anyone read this!

Shannon x

Hmm

I'm trying to sort myself out.

It's not going great but I'm trying.

Everything was painted with oil and water paints this morning. Nothing worked. As what generally happens when you try to mix oil with water.

I need to get better though. It's not fair on my family or friends to see me this way.
Just wish it was easier, because christ, it's not bloody easy. It's like trying to climb out of a glass cylinder. Ever try to get your grip on glass? Not fucking possible.

Ah well.
We'll see...

Shannon x

Again.

Depression hit me really hard today.

I really don't feel good
I feel really heavy,
I'm in tears, I've sunk into this black hole again.
Very few words come to mind.

People. Strangers.

I often think to myself, about the people I've met throughout life.
I wish I could see them all now, see where they are, see if much has changed.
I often feel terrified when I think of these people because they've probably completely forgotten about me.
As an example, there's a teacher I had in Primary school, he was a great man, was a fantastic teacher and he retired while I was in year 5. Even though he only appeared in my life just briefly, that man has probably affected my life decisions, I'm not saying I thought of him while I was making such decisions, but he definitely influenced my decisions as he was part of my upbringing. I'd love to just bump into him and have a chat. Let him know that I'm now in uni studying maths, let him know that it's highly possible that if I had a different teacher then I could be a completely different person now. It's just something that seems completely irrelevant and minuscule, yet looking at the bigger picture, things could be completely different now!
It'a not just the people that i think have influenced my life that much, but people I've helped out when I was younger, I'm interested to hear how things have worked out for them!
But yet even though I think like this I often do see people that used to be a part of my life, I make eye contact, I smile, they look at me as if they've never seen me before. That's upsetting, they just don't bat an eyelid. I'm nothing to them, not even a memory. I'm just like any other stranger they pass on the street. It actually really saddens me.

Thanks if anyone took the time to read this.

Shannon x

Life illusion

What if this is all an illusion
What if I'm actually sat in a mental asylum, just sat in the corner rocking back and forth, stuck in my own little reality, where everyone isn't actually who they actually are?

What if I'm in a mental asylum, repeating my life before I got put in the mental asylum, In my head? This saying that I'll never actually know the truth, until I die.

What if I'm just a figment of someone else's imagination? What if I don't even exist and somebody else is just playing through my life in their head, as their own reality would be too messed up to think of, so they created a different character?

What if....?

Serpent

My eyes are open, yet I cannot see
Everything is clouded over
My sight is cloudy,
It's all misted over, portraying my mind
In front of me it's hazy, but I'm not blind

I don't know what to expect,
From the python that flows around my mind, biting at the wires, causing some to intertwine

Yes that's all this is,
Something is destroying me,
It's all out of my control,
This is depravity

All of a sudden I'm okay to do what I know is wrong,
I'm not bothered,
I haven't any morals,
Although this shouldn't last long

This serpent from within has broken the ties
I no longer know wrong from right,
Or do I?
Maybe I just don't care.
Maybe everything I do is justifiable,
I'd like to claim that I'm unaware,
But I'm really not
This is all a lie

After the damage is done,
The python returns,
It weaves itself, it fixes the wires,
My vision gets hazy again,
But I want it that way,
It's my last stretch of humanity
I know so long as I can't see,
Everyone is okay,
They're safe from me.

This is what happens when I lose my sight
It's not something I can simply solve with a lense,
It's not something I can easily fight,
It's just the way reality bends,
When this souleating serpent, engulfs the light.

Christmas confusion

Christmas is a weird thing. We get up some point in December (some earlier) and we decide, oh let's decorate a tree because a day for people to give and receive presents is upon us!

We race around from September onwards buying presents for a load of people, half of which we probably don't even like!
Then the closer Christmas gets to us we begin to become increasingly false! Not only did we buy things for people we don't like but we now appear to like them!

Humans, what the hell are we doing?

Of course I actually quite like the giving thing on Christmas, it's nice when you've put a lot of thought into a present and when you give it to them and they genuinely like it, it makes me feel good to make others smile!

But I do think the world would be a better place if throughout the year we could simply buy something for a person you thought of for no reason other than to make them happy! Not wait til the end of the year when people are all expecting something and you don't know where you stand with people cus they're being really false!

'Awwh lovely perfume aunt _____, was really thoughtful but I was pretty convinced you didn't like me!'
How confusing!

Haha

Shannon x

Lust

I think I'm falling in love with you.
But I'd rather fall in lust,

Give me pleasure, without the pain,
Give me closeness, without the trust,
Give me breathtaking, without the beauty,
Give me enjoyment without wasting time!
Give me everything you've got,
Without having to make you mine.

Feel the vital kiss,
With a mouth as smooth as oil,
Feel your body ripple,
With a pleasure that shall not spoil,
Feel the intense nature,
Through a single glance of skin,
Feel your whole mind fill with intensity,
As lust slowly enters in.

Let the animal devour you,
As your want becomes your need,
Let it destroy the morals inside you,
Until you're let loose and you're freed,
Of every tie you've ever been given,
Of everything you've known as wrong,
Now there's a point of living,
If you would just play along.

...still won't you just stay a while?
Can we just stay real close?
Talk to me, it makes me smile,
I like you more than most,
I do adore the pleasure,
But what follows, unthought of, is pain,
As I realise through this awful scene,
That you'll never be mine to gain.

If to 'thine own self be true ',
was the truest quote ever said,
Then you can forget the lust,
Just give me true love instead.

Thoughts.

Head. Confused. Stressed. Lost.
Cloudy. Broken. Dazed.

What am I to do? I need help. I need support. I can't rely on others though.
Why would I?
People ruin everything.

People can take the truth and mould it. They may not even mean to, they just accidentally end up moulding it. What a mess.

People don't understand. It's why I'm afraid. Afraid to leave, afraid to confront.
But that fear is outweighed.
I'm also afraid to lose people. I can't trust anyone, but that doesn't stop me getting attached. No, if only it did.

I'm lost.

Help me.

Mistakes

Question.
What does it mean to forgive someone?
What does it mean to betray someone?
How can you forgive someone if you can't first forgive yourself?
How can we move away from our mistakes!?

Mistakes... we're human! We make them!
We're the authors of our own stories! However we can't simply write the whole story out and expect no mistakes! It doesn't help that we may write in pen! You can't simply erase mistakes anyway! You can only put a line through them and move on, trying not to repeat them.

Just some of my recent thoughts.

Shannon x

The fear of reality of going completely insane

I feel like my hues are muted,
Like I'm coloured outside the line.
I feel like my mind is polluted,
Like gray flowing down my spine.

Don't get the wrong impression,
I am not caught in a deep hole,
This is not black depression,
It's a dampening of my soul.

The blues of my skies are pink,
And the yellows of my sand is green,
My brain is too dull to think,
The slate is totally clean.

My palette just has shades of gray,
Nothing too dark or exciting,
The doctor wants it that way.

Don't get me started on writing,
The words just won't come to me,
For each letter, I am fighting,
So I can help you see,
How I want to flirt with insanity.

I crave the bright white,
And I do not fear depravity,
I will be high as a kite!
In a wondrous thunderstorm,
With rainbows and lightning!

The white will keep me warm,
While everything is frightening!
But mania stings like a bee,
And once it dies it unlocks
And sets the depression free
From out of pandoras box
Flows the reaper,
He drags me in deeper!

Do you want to hurt yourself?
Mark an x in the box...
Do you want to kill yourself?
No I won't stop my clock!
Love and curiosity keep me around!
What will be? How will they react?

Bring me back to the ground...
But oh this is all hypothetical...
I wouldn't do this another time,
It's just all theoretical.

I'm joking, I make big talk,
I'm terrified too much!
With this illness I won't walk
Without my crutch.
This little white pill,
Which makes life ordinary.

But I'll hold onto this fantasy still,
Of the extreme extraordinary!
But I won't let it tempt me,
Because of the fear of reality,
Of going completely insane.

TMI tag!

Hi there!

Thought maybe it'd be a good idea to do a TMI tag, seeming as I don't really know what to write about haha

Anyway, let the questioning commence!

1) What are you wearing?
Pyjamas, what else? (I'm a lazy shit)

2) Ever been in love?
I think I am at the moment but who actually knows what love is, right?

3) Ever had a terrible breakup?
Yeah

4) How tall are you?
I think either 5;1 or 5;2... I'm a shortarse that's for sure!

5) How much do you weigh?
I'm unsure, thinking about 9 stone?

6) Any tattoos?
I sort of have one but I feel it doesn't count as I allowed my friend to do it, you can imagine how terrible it is!

7) Any piercings?
I have my belly button, my tongue and my ears done. I used to have my septum, cheeks and my cartilage pierced but I had to take them out due to work. :(

8) OTP?
I honestly don't know.

9) Favourite show?
I do enjoy a variety of television shows, so I can't give a single answer. Here are some: Grimm, Vampire Diaries, Charmed, Pretty Little Liars, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Two and a Half Men, The Big Bang Theory and How I Met your Mother.

10) Favourite bands?
Queen

11) Something you miss?
I miss not worrying about my studies and not worrying about money. F*** growing up.

12) Favourite song?
It changes often, but at the moment, Extreme - More Than Words

13) How old are you?
18 years and 9 months

14) Zodiac sign?
Libra, which is funny because all my friends are Gemini's! (apparently we're compatible)

15) Quality you look for in a partner?A dry sense of humour, nice eyes, warmth, a nice smell and not your norm.

16) Favourite quote?

As my blog name may suggest 'The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success' - Bruce Feirstein, also 'As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are not certain, they do not refer to reality' - Albert Einstein.

17) Favourite actor?

Sir Ian McKellen, Liam Neeson, Jim Carrey, Steve Carell... Ahh there's too many!

18) Favourite colour?
Either Lilac or a wine red.

19) Loud music or soft?
Depends on my mood.

20) Where do you go when you're sad?
My bed or Dan's bed.

21) How long does it take you to shower?
10 minutes.

22) How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
depends how long it takes me to get out of bed and if I need to be anywhere. On a regular college day, roughly 20 minutes.

23) Ever been in a physical fight?
Not really.

24) Turn on?
Someone who smells good and has a lot to say as I'm a bit bad at making conversation with a person who's like me. (haha) 

25) Turn off?
Big headed and closed-minded people.

26) The reason I joined Blogger?
Why the hell not?

27) Fears?
People in general and losing someone I care about.

28) Last thing that made you cry?
A video about homophobia roles reversed. It was intense. Click Here if you're interested.

29) Last time you said you loved someone?
Sunday I think.

30) Meaning behind your blog's name?
I just wanted something different and so decided to go by a little something I tend to go by in life.

31) Last book you read?
A Street Cat Named Bob - James Bowen

32) The book you're currently reading?
The Doomspell - Cliff McNish

33) Last show you watched?
Pretty Little Liars.

34) Last person you talked to?
My mam.

35) The relationship between you and the last person you texted?
My good friend Lauren, we're just talking about our blogs actually haha.

36) Favourite food?
Pasta.

37) Place you want to visit?
I'd like to visit everywhere.

38) Last place you were?
Work :(

39) Do you have a crush?
Other than Dan no, I don't really get attracted to people unless I've known them for a while.

40) Last time you kissed someone?
Sunday before work. ^^

41) Last time you were insulted?
Directly or indirectly? Beccause directly not so often, indirectly however...

42) Favourite flavour of sweet?
Cherry or apple.

43) What instruments do you play?
Guitar, Bass Guitar, Harp and a little bit of Keyboard.

44) Favourite piece of jewellery?
My Creeper Necklace I had off Dan for christmas 2 years ago.

45) Last sport you played?
Pool when I was out at the pub with a friend.

46) Last song you sang?
More than Words - Extreme. I honestly love that song at the moment.

47) Favourite chat up line?
If you were a transformer you'd be OPTIMUS FINE! hahaha

48) Have you ever used it?
Haha unfortunately not :L

49) Last time you hung out with anyone?
I went to see How to Train Your Dragon 2 with Dan! What a film!

50) Who should answer these questions next?
I don't know any new bloggers?

TTFN

Shannon x

Games I've enjoyed

I have played quite a number of different games in the past few years and I thought maybe it'd be a good idea to give a short review about some of my favourites.

The first game I'd like to look at is the recently released sequel of the timeless classic, 'The Legend of Zelda - A Link to the Past'. A Link Between Worlds, I found was an absolutely amazing addition the The Legend of Zelda series. I thoroughly enjoyed my experience of playing it and the way Nintendo were able to produce the map as that which we had for LttP and yet provide us with a very fresh, enjoyable experience overall. Veterans of the series will recognize various characters such as, Princess Zelda, her guard Impa, the elder Sahasrahla, and Dampé the gravedigger. And they’ll also quickly spot Majora’s mask hanging in Link’s house.  I found the graphics were both compelling and they didn't neglect the 3D feature which surprised me considering they kept the top-down overhead gameplay used in many other popular LoZ games. I believe that even if you're unfamiliar with the LoZ series you wouldn't feel lost if you suddenly decided to pick this game up and begin playing it as the story is explained very well throughout and the puzzles (as always) are very well thought out. 

I'd now like to talk about the well known JRPG Tales of Xillia.I found this game was both visually appealing and the story was very interesting as well. I found the battle system was easy to get into but also allowed you to go into more depth with it. It enables you to swap the characters around and fight with different members of your party. At the beginning of the game you are made to pick a character to play the story of, either the trainee doctor, Jude Mathis or the metaphysical being, Milla Maxwell. Both stories lead to the same outcome however there are sections of differences for each in the cutscenes. The cutscenes in this game I thought were very good however Milla's voice doesn't half send you to sleep after a while, luckily they're not all as boring as hers though! Xillia's lillium orb system is much like many other JRPG levelling systems, however it provides a certain depth which provides you with different interesting abilities for each of your characters. I definitely advise this game to anyone looking for a compelling and fresh RPG.

Ni No Kuni - Wrath of the White Witch is possibly one of the best JRPG's I've played. It provides a gripping storyline and a very anime art style. Along with all this I found that the battle system was both fun and intriguing. One of the characters, Drippy, is probably one of the funniest characters I've seen in a JRPG in a long time. I don't know, maybe he appealed to me because of his comic welshy persona. One thing I will say however, is that I thought there were too few cutscenes, it seemed that the game began and you'd get fed up because there were too many and then as you approached the middle of the game there weren't enough! But the actual gameplay itself, was very well created and I thoroughly enjoyed my experience of playing it. Each of the characters had interesting background stories and each of the places you visit throughout the game are worth exploring. The game provides you with many different sidequests and missions and also provides you with the main storyline, which may at times come across as very linear, but having the sidequests allows you to go off and forget about the actual storyline for a bit. The map is very open and eventually you're able to travel anywhere you want.

Another game I have enjoyed playing is Eternal Sonata, this game is based on the story of Frederick Chopin, the famous pianist. I personally thought this game was very cleverly put together, incorporating many musical aspects which for me, both a music fan and a games fan, was a great idea. The game begins with quite a simple battle system, which seems to be a little turn based. However as the game progresses it goes more in depth as you start to link together combos, harmony chains, counter attacking, blocking, using items as fast as you can! It is truly a riveting experience. The battles also take part in specific arenas which are separate from the overworld, these arenas begin to provide a very interesting 'light and dark' take on the whole experience where your own abilities and enemies abilities and appearances may alter depending on where in the arena they are. I actually found this game a bit challenging overall but it was a truly rewarding experience when I eventually completed it. Eternal Sonata provided a very educational experience as well, without realising it, it gave me a lesson in musical appreciation and music history throughout. This game however is extremely linear, the enemy variety is very limited and the camera doesn't allow you to look around as it is fixed. So all in all I have to say even though I really enjoyed this game I can understand why many people won't and so advise you actually look in to this game before purchasing it.

Thanks if anyone read this, I understand I kind of babbled on!

Shannon x

An Introduction of Some Sort

Greetings to anyone who decides to read this.
(This constitutes as a normal beginning to a blog right?)

I've decided to start posting these words as a good friend of mine seems to think I may appear slightly amusing. However, I am inclined to disagree with her, I realise maybe I'll come to enjoy writing about my unbelievably exciting life after all, as it seems I have nothing better to do and I realise that maybe I'll have more to write about than I presently think I'll have to write about.

Anyway getting to the actual introduction itself. I'm Shannon. I'm Welsh and 18 years of age and I'd like to think I'm an okay person. I'm in a long term relationship with a man I met two years ago, I don't know what lies in store for us but I honestly believe he is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Although few in numbers, the friends that I have I trust a great deal and they play an important role in my life. furthermore, I live with my mother, my younger sister and my four cats (Yes, they are classed as valued members of this household). I am a full-time student and I also work part-time at Mcdonald's (Yes it's a shit job, but it's a job nonetheless).

Concerning my hobbies, I enjoy a wide variety of music and I'm able to play a variety of different instruments. I also thoroughly enjoy video games, my favourite type being JRPG's. In addition I occasionally like to read however I find that in order to get through a book, I must first be in the mood to read (which in recent months has become a rarity).

I have just completed my A levels and am awaiting my A level results in August. If I do well enough I should be starting university this year.
If all goes well and I start to enjoy this writing malarkey I am considering making regular entries about my life throughout university, regarding both my studies and the so-much-enjoyed club life that as a student, I am expected to take pleasure in. I want to study Mathematics at university as I find it is a subject I enjoy and thrive in. We'll see how my opinion alters after actually studying maths at a degree level though. (Haha)

If you decide to read my blog, you may find yourself reading several different types of things, ranging from current games I'm playing to things I may be doing with friends to many of my sarcastic Mc-comments referring to how much I love my job! I will however, cease to bore you with my soppy relationship details, if I can help it! (I'm sure whoever is reading this will be so gutted)

Thanks for taking some time out of your day to read this, I honestly appreciate it.

TTFN

Shannon x